The Inner Child

Today, I’m going to write about something different. It’s going to be a difficult topic to talk about because of my journey, both past and present – but I feel I have to.

To begin with, I do feel that this complex referred to as “The Inner Child” is REAL. Not physically, but figuratively and metaphorically real. It is a psychological or phenomenological reality, and an extraordinarily powerful one at that.

Experts in this field claim that most mental disorders and destructive behaviour patters are somehow related to this unconscious part of ourselves.

You and I – we were all once children, and still have that child dwelling within us. But most of us adults are quite unaware of this. And this lack of conscious relatedness to OUR OWN Inner Child is precisely where so many behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from.

Your Inner Child… Is the echo of the child you once were.

We each have our own history and we have all been influenced by our environment, events and the significant people around us. Our Inner Child has stored those memories, and their impact upon us.

As a child, we will all have made decisions at a sub-conscious level about how we ‘should’ be and what we ‘should’ do in order to be seen as OK. For instance – what’s culturally and/or socially acceptable.

Our experiences in our teenage years will have reinforced these beliefs and formed our own SCRIPT for how our life ‘should’ be. We carry these immature scripts and decisions with us into adulthood – when they, unfortunately, run our lives more than 90% of the time.

So where did it all begin?

We have all been influenced by our environments since the time we were in our mother’s womb.

The sounds around us, our mother’s stress levels, the abundance or deficit of the ‘feel-good’ hormones, our nourishment or lack of it etc… Will all have played their part in how safe we felt even before we were born.

Then the actual birth experience, our early infant care, and the EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY of our mother will have either reinforced or soothed the impact of those first prenatal influences.

As young children, we will have been absorbing a great deal from our caregiver(s), immediate families, extended families, friends, and education or religious institutions.

We may not have had words for these experiences but they will have been IMPRINTED in our subconscious minds and bodies.

This all creates the POOL in which we float, or sink. Inevitably, the water will be a bit dirty. But sometimes, it may even be as thick as mud.

In this pool… Resides our self esteem, body image, family trauma, shame and secrets (even if not spoken about – as they all affect the quality of the care our caregivers are able to show to us).

As adults, we will tend to sink down into this pool, or mud, whenever we are overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions, self-doubt or self-loathing.

What happens when the Inner Child within us gets hurt?

In each of us, there is a young, suffering Child. We have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try to forget those painful times. Every time we’re in touch with the experience of suffering, we believe we can’t bear it, and we stuff our feelings and memories deep down in our unconscious mind. It may be that we haven’t dared to face this Child for many decades.

This isn’t dissociation per se. Rather, it is a far more common, pervasive and insidious sort of socially sanctioned (read: socially accepted) dissociation.

In layman terms, the wounded Inner Child is the parts of ourself that was hurt, terrified, vulnerable, neglected, or invalidated… During our younger days. When all we wanted, as children, was to be loved, protected, and nurtured.

The sad truth here is that adults like you and me are unwittingly being constantly influenced or covertly controlled by this UNCONSCIOUS Inner Child. For many, it is not an adult self directing their lives, but rather an emotionally wounded Inner Child inhabiting an adult body.

Imagine this:

A five-year-old running around in a forty-year-old frame. It is a hurt, angry, fearful little boy or girl calling the shots and making adult decisions.

A boy or girl being sent out into the world to do a man’s or woman’s job.

A five or ten-year old (or two of them!) trying to engage in grown-up relationships.

Can a child have a mature relationship?

A career?

An independent life?

Yet this is precisely what’s happening with us everyday to some degree or another.

And then we wonder why our relationships fall apart.

Why we feel so anxious. Afraid. Insecure. Inferior. Small. Lost. Lonely.

But think about it. How else would any child feel having to fend for themselves in an apparently adult world? Without proper parental supervision, protection, structure or support?

One thing I’ve learnt is that the first step to healing is the awareness of and willingness to face your Inner Child.

Next, we need to learn to take our Inner child seriously, and to consciously communicate with that little boy or girl within. To listen to how he or she feels and what he or she needs from us here and now. The often frustrated primal needs of that perennial Inner Child – for love, acceptance, protection, nurturance, understanding – remain the same today as when we were children.

Many times, as pseudo-adults, we futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling these infantile needs for us. (I have experienced this firsthand.)

But this is doomed to fail.

What we didn’t sufficiently receive in the past from our parents as children must be confronted in the present, as painful as it might be.

The past traumas, sadness, disappointments and depression cannot be changed and must be accepted. Becoming an adult means swallowing this “bitter pill”, as I call it. That, unfortunately for most of us, certain infantile needs were, maliciously or not, unmet by our imperfect parents or caregivers. And they never will be, no matter how good or smart or attractive or spiritual or loving we become. Those days are over. What was done cannot be undone.

Bottom line is… We should not as adults now expect others to meet all of these unfulfilled childhood needs. They cannot.

AUTHENTIC ADULTHOOD requires both accepting the painful past and the primary responsibility for taking care of your own Inner Child’s needs.

PS: #iwrotethisforyou

Stop running. There’s nothing to run from.

Stop escaping. There’s nothing to escape from.

The past is the past. Forgive yourself, forgive the people around you, and move on. It may be a difficult road to walk because you’re afraid and that’s ok. But take the first step and you’d be amazed how healing can and will take place.

I hope you will live a more positive and rewarding life filled with fun, laughter, spontaneity, and authenticity.

Finally, start loving yourself.

You are worth it. You are more than enough. You are God’s beloved child. You are you. You have a story no one can tell.

Be a blessing.

[Credit: x, x]

The Truth About Birth

I decided to post this photo up because I want to be as real as possible – and well, this is as real as it gets. That was me on Isaac’s birth date, and I honestly wasn’t feeling my best. I felt sick (dizzy and nauseated), was exhausted (hadn’t slept in 2 days) and just wanted to pack up and go home. (But obviously couldn’t because there was a baby about to come out of me.)

“I can’t do this”, I thought to myself.

“Yes, you can”, I fought back.

My mind was tired. Everything was a blur. I didn’t even know what time it was or what day it was, even.

I just wanted for it all to be over.

“It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt ok.”

“I just want to eat again.”

“How did I survive a pregnancy once more?”

“Can you take off all these tubes and just let me go home, please.”

Thoughts like these were floating around in my head the entire seven hours I was in active labour. I didn’t even know what I was thinking of half the time.

And then Isaac arrived. After three pushes in nine minutes, he arrived.

He was here!!!

After all the pain and discomfort I went through, my rainbow baby has arrived. I should have been elated…

But I felt nothing. I was numb. I was too exhausted to even WANT to hold him and held him out of sheer obligation because the midwife insisted I do skin-to-skin with my newborn.

You see, no one told me this.

No one told me the truth about birth.

I went into the delivery suite expecting to come out a few kilograms lighter and with the new love of my life – my baby.

But I’ve given birth twice and that has never happened. Not the first time, and certainly not the second time round either.

No one tells you how the sheer anticipation of your little bundle of joy (and of course, labour itself) can completely wipe you out.

And no one tells you how grossed out you will feel after you shoot a baby out of your vagina.

The blood. The amniotic fluid. The placenta (that’s basically like a huge bloodied mass that weighs about 500g). Not to mention, having to put your legs up in the stirrups for a stranger to see you in all your (bloodied) glory AND have him/her stitch you up.

… Tell me now. How am I supposed to fall in love with my baby with all this going on? I barely even saw what he looked like because I could not keep my eyes open, anyway.

And honestly, I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I wanted to be cleaned up as fast as humanly possible. I wanted to curl up into a ball and go to sleep.

Fast forward 12 hours and finally feeling somewhat human again.

Seeing this photo again brings back all types of feels because this was the moment I first held Isaac in my arms. This was the moment I saw his face (and thought – hey another photocopy of Kevin). This was the moment I vowed to protect him until he grew wings to set up his own nest away from ours. This was the moment I fell in love with my son, my little boy.

ENFP vs INFJ

Me: “Have you read my blog?”

Him: “Yeah, the Dayre one? It was such a boring post.”

Me: “Uhm, thanks for the feedback.”

Him: “I’m still waiting for THAT post which you promised to write!”

Me: “Uhm, okay. I will work on it now.”

So here I am. Lying in bed with Isaac snuggled within the crook of my arm after his midnight feed. Researching. Writing. Expressing (thoughts, not milk).

I’ve always loved studying personalities because it’s just so interesting to see how our behaviour is mostly dictated by who we innately are!

Kevin and I recently did a Myers-Briggs’ personality test and it turns out I’m an INFJ, while he’s an ENFP. (I knew I was an INFJ all along, but Kevin’s personality type was always a question mark.)

Here’s our two personality types in a nutshell.

ENFP (Him)

The ENFP personality is a true free spirit. Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types.

ENFPs can talk their way in or out of anything.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives.

ENFPs need to feel that they are living their lives as their true self and walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace.

ENFPs place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for their family members.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may, however, become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they’re doing.

ENFPs love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

INFJ (Me)

The INFJ personality type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives.

INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it.

INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive. But they are as genuinely warm as they are complex.

INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring.

INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in stubbornness and a tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right.

INFJs are perfectionists who doubt that they are living up to their full potential. They are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments.

INFJs have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJs are natural nurturers – patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring.

INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all.

The reason my dear Husband is keen on reading what I have to say about our personalities is because ENFPs and INFJs are known to be THE perfect pairing. I never knew this before marrying him.

So I’m reading up on why ENFPs and INFJs have a reputation in Myers-Briggs’ circles for getting along so well, and as it turns out, these two personality types have mirroring mental functions (ie: have minds that work in very similar ways).

Disclaimer: I’m no psychology expert, neither did I study the subject. I’m just really interested in how our mind works! And well… I’m just sharing my research here for my husband’s sake (haha).

Let’s dig into the function stacks as seen in the image above.

Intuition

Kevin perceives the world through exploration; while I process these observations internally. He experiments, while I ruminate.

Feeling

Kevin feels inwardly, constantly checking to see if a decision lines up with his core values; while I feel outwardly, making decisions based primarily on how it will affect other people.

Thinking

When the need for problem-solving arises, Kevin focuses on arriving at efficient and logical solutions; while I focus on finding and using accurate information.

Sensing

This area is poorly developed in both Kevin and I. Mostly manifesting itself when we are under pressure, Kevin will tend to withdraw from the world (inwardly), while I will tend to “escape” by overindulging in sensorial activities such as eating and watching TV (outwardly).

So here are a few reasons why ENFPs and INFJs make the perfect pair.

We are essentially inside-out versions of each other.

ENFPs and INFJs use their cognitive functions in the same order (Intuition, Feeling, Thinking, Sensing) but all of the functions that are introverted in an ENFP are extroverted in an INFJ and vice versa. This means that these two types often share similar values, but approach them from refreshingly opposite perspectives. An ENFP generates possibilities where an INFJ analyzes the specifics and an ENFP applies introverted morality to situations where the INFJ looks at the universal consequences. In a nutshell, they are always analyzing different sides of the same coin.

Our reasoning abilities complement each other.

Because their cognitive functions are inverted, ENFPs and INFJs can see each other’s blind spots. The ENFP can suggest an idea that would never have occurred to the INFJ and the INFJ can provide a detailed explanation for what the ENFP does not intuitively understand.

We are both kind of ambiverted.

Though the ENFP is extroverted, their introverted “feeling” requires them to withdraw and analyze their feelings more often than the average extrovert. And while the INFJ is introverted, their extroverted “feeling” requires them to socialize a fair amount in order to stay balanced. As a result, both types border on the ambiverted side. They’re comfortable socializing, or they’re comfortable staying home and watching Netflix together.

We prioritise the same kind of structure.

ENFJs enjoy structuring their future – a topic that the INFJ shares a keen interest in. When an ENFP generates a grandiose plan for the future, the idealistic INFJ is able to work out the details, thus making the duo a dream team.

And lastly, we APPARENTLY bring out the best in each other.

The scattered ENFP benefits from the focus and structure that the INFJ brings to their over-the-top ideas. On the flip side, the INFJ is deeply analytical, and usually need an extrovert to help them open up and discuss their deeper thoughts and beliefs. As such, these two personality types tap into each other’s strengths almost effortlessly, and according to my research, they “naturally” bring out the best in each other.

Note: I’m skeptical that Kevin and I bring out the best in each other because like most marriages, we have our fair share of arguments. In fact, we can actually bring out the worst in each other because, ironically, we care too much. And so, while we fit the ENFP and INFJ personalities to a T, we also come from (vastly) different backgrounds and THAT also affects the way in which we behave and think.

Kevin and I, as a couple and as individuals, are FAR (bold, italicise, underline) from perfect; and honestly, it has taken a lot of effort (and tears, and heartache) on both our parts to be where we are today. Maybe I’m just a skeptic and cynic at heart, but I really don’t believe there’s a “perfect pair” out there.

To quote Monica Geller of F.R.I.E.N.D.S:

We were just two people who fell in love and worked hard at our relationship. Some days, we worked really hard.

[Credit: x, x, x, x, x, x, x, x]

Hello from Dayre

So news broke on 9 February that Dayre would be shutting down by the end of the month, leaving its (rather tight-knit) community in the lurch. This decision was faced with a lot of backlash, with one camp of people leaving almost immediately to WeBlogIt, Steller and WordPress (why remain on a sinking ship right); and another camp of people fiercely fighting to save the platform.

I, for one, decided to abandon ship because I’ve kind of had enough of Dayre’s shenanigans. I used that platform almost daily for a year plus (can’t recall the exact months) before leaving due to the lack of privacy options back then. Fast forward to a year later (November 2017), I took the plunge and signed up for Dayre Plus after the cost was reduced substantially from $128/year (ridiculous) to $50/year. I love the community and friends I’ve made through Dayre, but the main reason I’m leaving is because Dayre didn’t want me (us) first. It’s like being in a one-sided relationship. So yup. Goodbye Dayre, hello WordPress!

(I’ve had my own dotcom for about 6 years now since 31 March 2012, but I previously hosted this site on Blogspot.)

Anyway, I’m writing about this today because I found a way to find all the ex-Dayreans! Thanks to one Dayrean who gave us the link to this site.

Wow kudos to whoever made this tool! I can’t use it because all my Dayre posts are private, but it sure works for everyone else and I’m really happy everyone can keep their memories intact!!! Also, I realised that each post that’s exported from Dayre using the above website is automatically tagged dayre-exported.

And so hello fellow Dayreans, we meet again.

Edit: Do turn off email notifications as many Dayreans are in the queue to export all their posts (many are in the thousands because y’know – 365 days a year), and you do not want to be spammed. (Because I was, and the cleanup isn’t fun haha.)

Isaac’s Birth Story

19 January | 1830

I realised I was having that familiar dull lower backache while resting on Daddy’s recliner and alarm bells went off in my head, Could this be it? I decided to go shower first, you know, just in case.

19 January | 1900

Post shower, and after what seemed like endless calls of “should I, should I not” to the Hubs, we decided that it was in the best interest of baby and I if I headed to KKH just to check it out. My gut feel told me that this was it, even though part of me didn’t want to deliver so soon! It was a real bittersweet moment for me. On one hand, I was heartbroken because Valerie would not have all of my attention anymore, yet excited for her to be promoted to the position of BIG SISTER! I was emotional, and kept hugging and kissing her before leaving with Mummy for the hospital.

19 January | 2000

After dinner, we Grab Hitched down to KKH and I checked myself into the Delivery Suite to be monitored.

19 January | 2230

There was a lack of Gynaes on duty at the Delivery Suite because it was a Friday night. I waited for a good two hours or more, before the Gynae on call came by to check on me. As usual, a VE was performed and guess what – 2cm dilated, which is only 1cm away from active labour! I was given a choice. One, to go home and continue the waiting game; or two, to be admitted and wait for labour to begin. I chose the latter, and was wheeled up to the Ward to spend the night.

20 January | 0750

Another VE was conducted during the morning Ward rounds and… 3cm!!! Labour was progressing,

20 January | 0835

Contractions started and a CTG was set up to monitor the frequency of my contractions. They were irregular then, but uncomfortable nonetheless. And if I learnt anything from my first labour experience, it was to have my epidural put in before my waterbag burst! So… I did just that and requested for my epidural when I was only 3cm dilated. However, I was told that the epidural could only be administered in the Delivery Suite as it was considered a surgical procedure, but the Delivery Suite was… “TERRIBLY FULL”. One nurse even told me that I had to labour in the Ward, and then get sent down when the pain got “UNBEARABLE” as an “emergency case”. You kidding me?!? Fortunately, I had the cutest little visitor who made the pain and anxiety dissipate for just a little bit.

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20 January | 1450

There was finally a room available in the Delivery Suite so I was wheeled down. Got gowned up and waited for my midwife.

20 January | 1545

Was IV-ed by then. The horrendous epidural procedure also began. I was looking forward to the pain-free labour that my epidural promised, but I will always and forever hate the process. Thank God the anaesthetist allowed Hubs to stay with me (some don’t – we were fortunate in that sense), because I was so scared I was drenched in cold sweat even before I was injected. The pain from this (you’re injected into your spinal cord, hello) and the numbing sensation I felt thereafter was something I hadn’t felt when I was giving birth to my firstborn. Maybe I was too far along when I had my epidural administered back in 2016, but this time, the pain was INTENSE and I had PAINFUL PINS AND NEEDLES from my butt all the way down to my feet for 5 hours straight. It was nothing short of terrifying, no kidding. I wasn’t in pain, thanks to the anaesthesia, but I was in constant discomfort!

20 January | 1730

Surgical induction of labour, or more commonly understood as the manual breaking of water bag (amniotic sac). Didn’t feel anything because of my choice of pain relief.

20 January | 1915

We were told that my contractions were really irregular, and that was what was causing labour to progress so slowly. Too slowly, in fact, as I had been stuck at 3cm for a good 12 hours! The Gynae then administered a drug intravenously to improve and strengthen my contractions.

20 January | 2120

VE showed that I was 8cm dilated!!!

20 January | 2150

9cm dilated. As this was my second delivery, I could start pushing at 9cm instead of the full 10cm. So I began to push…

20 January | 2159

And Isaac David was out within 3 pushes!

WhatsApp Image 2018-01-20 at 10.34.13 PM

Birth Date: 20 January 2018
Birth Time: 2159

Weight: 3.338kg
Length: 49cm
Head: 33cm

Valerie’s Birth Story

31 March | 0945

I happened to have an appointment at KKH with Dr Theresa and Mummy and I were late! Saw the bus arriving when we were crossing the road and we increased our walking speed in a bid to catch the bus. It was after I widened my strides that I felt intense pain in my pelvic area.

31 March | 1000

We alighted at the bus stop opposite KKH as per usual. The pain was intensifying as I crossed the road to the hospital. Got Mummy to wheel me up to Clinic G in a wheelchair as I no longer could walk without grimacing in pain or stopping every few minutes. Still went ahead with my usual consult with Dr Theresa, but she recommended I get checked out at the Delivery Suite since I was at the hospital already. And so I did.

31 March | 1050

Registered myself at the Delivery Suite. CTG scan showed irregular contractions. Baby’s heartbeat was strong and responsive. VE showed that I was still dilated only 1cm. Was also made to do a comprehensive ultrasound and results were great – baby was at 3.298kg and water level was good too. All looked normal.

31 March | 1300

Gynae reviewed my case notes and recommended inducing labour for two main reasons. One, I was already at 38 weeks, in a lot of pain and couldn’t walk without assistance. Two, baby was at a very good weight of 3.298kg. The plan was that induction would be done at 6pm. I was admitted to the hospital at 2pm.

31 March | 1845

Was wheeled down from the Ward to the Delivery Suite for induction of labour to commence. Before bidding goodbye to Mummy, she kissed the top of my head and told me to be brave and that the next time we see each other I’d be a Mummy myself! Hearing that completely overwhelmed me and I thought to myself: THIS IS IT.

31 March | 1900

As per usual KKH Delivery Suite Triage protocol, I was strapped to the CTG machine to monitor contractions as well as to track the baby’s heartbeat.

31 March | 1945

The first tablet to induce labour was inserted into my cervix. Was still only 1cm dilated when this happened. Lay in the Delivery Suite to be monitored for another 3 hours to see if my contractions would intensify and put me into active labour. But nope, nothing happened. Still 1cm dilated after 3 hours.

31 March | 2245

I was wheeled back to the Ward to rest before the second tablet was due to be inserted at 2am later that night.

1 April | 1200

I finally fell asleep at midnight but was awoken only after a measly 45 minutes of rest by noises in the Ward. Soon after that, a midwife came to my bedside and strapped me to yet another CTG machine to monitor my contractions.

1 April | 0250

Was wheeled back down to the Delivery Suite for the insertion of the second tablet since I showed no progress in the past 6 hours. But this time round, I was not placed in Triage but was wheeled straight to the Labour Ward!

1 April | 0350

VE showed that I was still dilated 1cm. Waterbag was also still intact. The second tablet was inserted into my cervix. Was monitored for the next 2 hours and the Gynae even told me that if there was no progress in my labour after the third tablet was inserted, I would have to go for a Caesarean. That was scary news because I really wanted to deliver naturally!

1 April | 0500

VE showed slight improvement and I was now dilated 2cm. An IV drip was put in to ensure I was well hydrated. Back contractions intensified so much more, and I even experienced back spasms. It was bad. My contractions were apparently so close together that the baby’s heartbeat dropped as the contractions were too intense to handle. Was a critical moment for awhile, but thankfully, lying on my left helped to ease the contractions, and thus prevented further distress to the baby.

1 April | 0620

Finally rested for a bit. That hour of deep sleep felt amazing. Woke up with a slight fever, though, but it was probably from the chill of the room. It was set up like an Operating Theatre!

1 April | 0815

VE showed that I was still dilated only 2cm. Gynae told us that the plan would be to manually break my waterbag and start epidural at 10am. Hubs and I agreed.

1 April | 1000

No advancement in labour as I was still dilated only 2cm. My waterbag was manually broken by the Gynae. Pretty uncomfortable, but it was bearable. The breaking of my waterbag kick started the labour process. My contractions intensified so much and I barely survived 45 minutes of extremely painful contractions while waiting for the anesthetist to administer the pain relief of my choice – epidural. Contractions were about 2 minutes apart during this time.

1 April | 1045

A urine catheter was inserted. And the anesthetist finally arrived with my lifesaver in the form of epidural! It was honestly so so difficult to stay absolutely still during the procedure as my uterus was contracting every minute or so. Really thankful for a kind midwife who was reassuring and comforting. I was terrified and trembling to be doing this alone as Hubs had to leave the room as per hospital policy but she calmed me down.

1 April | 1150

VE which was done revealed that I was dilated the full 10cm! We couldn’t believe it. I was still only at 2cm at 10am. That means I dilated 8cm within 2 hours?!? The final waiting game began – just that this time I was waiting for the sensation to push.

1 April | 1250

I mentally prepared myself for the labour I had to do to deliver Valerie into this world. There was so much pressure down below and I was fighting the urge to push. The few minutes before I could start pushing were torturous.

1 April | 1305

I started pushing. Followed the midwife’s instructions to push when the contractions came as I was already numb thanks to the epidural! When a contraction came, I would take a deep lungful of air, and push downwards with all my might. Repeating 3 times, at 10 seconds each.

1 April | 1329

Gave one big final push as her head emerged, and the rest of her body slipped out.

1 April | 1330

And so, Valerie Kate was born!

WhatsApp Image 2018-02-11 at 12.00.44 AM

Birth Date: 01 April 2016
Birth Time: 1330

Weight: 3.368kg
Length: 48cm
Head: 35cm